Self-Compassion

It is very common that almost everybody has at least one aspect of their personality that they wish they did not have. Some of us don’t like getting angry easily or overreacting to simple things. Some may not like themselves for being too shy or too bold to jump in every conversation. If these are important for us, we feel bad about it and get self-critical every time it happens. We even get so harsh on ourselves that it leads us to develop mental problems. The antidote to all this is practising self-compassion.

Compassion itself is feeling sympathy and understanding towards people who are suffering or dealing with hardships. We feel the urge to help them. Compassion encompasses not only feelings but also thoughts and behaviours, such as thinking of the need for help, soothing, nurturing, protecting or teaching. We accept the situation as it is, and we provide help without judgement. For instance, when we see somebody who is elderly, disabled or sick, we feel compassion because we accept and understand their struggle and the problems they must deal with. When we can present all these feelings towards ourselves, we provide self-compassion.

Most of us have difficulty in feeling compassion for ourselves, while we are very generous with providing it for others. There are many factors underlying this difficulty, including parenting style, personality, and community oppression. For example, in a culture in which women are expected to prioritize others over themselves, women may not even think of treating themselves with love and compassion. Likewise, a person who grew up in a family in which he/she was criticized a lot would be very critical toward himself/herself as well.

The good news is we can still develop an understanding of self-compassion at any phase of our lives. The starting point is simple;

1 - Recognize The Commonality of Being Human

All we need to do is to adopt skills to feel compassion towards ourselves, just like we do for others out of our empathy and desire to help. This is because we are human beings, and we need help, too. Thus, we understand and accept that we are human beings, just like others, and that comes with all its limits and shortcomings. The next step is;

2 - Being Kind to and Forgiving Ourselves

Next, we need to practice the ability to be kind and forgiving for ourselves. Once we are able to treat ourselves kindly and forgive ourselves easily, we will be less critical of ourselves. We need to say those loving, kind, soothing words to ourselves that we tell others when we want to be compassionate to them: “That’s OK”, “I am precious”, “Everybody can make mistakes”…..

The final step is…

Practicing self-awareness

The ability to be consciously aware of our critical thoughts and disturbing feelings helps us distinguish the fine line between being unjustly harsh on ourselves, and finding excuses for our mistakes. What is worse, is that the more we pay attention to negative evaluations about ourselves, the more we believe in them and avoid taking action for positive changes. We need to make a reasonable self-assessment of our behaviours and work on the areas we need to improve while accepting and acknowledging our weaknesses and human nature.

In a nutshell, self-compassion is not self-pitying, nor finding excuses to avoid responsibility. It is treating ourselves with kindness and compassion, when we feel overly self-critical and harsh on ourselves in the case of challenges and shortcomings.