WHAT RUINS OUR RELATIONSHIPS

A healthy relationship needs commitment and maintenance. Say you have a car and

you need it, therefore you take care of it. Are our loved ones less important than our

car that we ruin our relationships with our reckless behaviors?

Relationship is basically a matter of interaction, which means the process of action

and reaction. I dare to say it is our reactions, NOT our behaviors determine the quality

of our relationships. Yes, our behaviors are very important but we are human beings

and we may fail in behaving well all the time. Then, our reactions come in to play and

influence others how to respond in return. Listen to this incident happened to me. Once I was driving and somebody bumped into my car from behind. I was so angry and got out of the car, ready to scorn the driver. I told him that he did not keep enough distance in an angry way. I was waiting for him to counterattack and increase his voice. However, he accepted his mistake and apologized. He even called me later to aske how I was doing. This made my anger extinguished and I turned back to my car calm and content.

Similarly, when our loved ones fail in behaving well or hurt us, we need to approach with assertiveness and understanding. There are two legs that maintain the relationships; The first one is understanding the emotions and needs of a significant one and the other is expressing our thoughts and feelings in a more healthy and constructive way.

We mostly have difficulty with understanding the other’s emotions and needs because of focusing more on our hurts and wounds. However, relationship is a matter of giving and taking not taking and giving. If we try our best to understand the significant other, he or she will start to pay attention to our emotions. Here, we mostly wait for the other to understand us but one should take the first step, right? Why not it is you?

On the other side, communication skills are also important for a healthy relationship. We may have a skill to understand what other person is passing though but we may not have knowledge or habit how to express our thoughts and feelings, mostly because of parental style of our parents. Then we display two basic reaction patters; We either remain passive and draw back which ends up with the domination of the other.  Or we attack or counterattack in order to defend ourselves or prove to be right. Unfortunately, it bounces back and we appear to be an aggressive and unlovable person.

The most two destructive patterns in our interactions are counterattack, which arises from the need for protection, and bringing past and unresolved issues to the present. These two defense mechanisms fuel the flame of the discourse. There are also other  common pitfalls that we fall in, such as name calling, gaslighting, and projecting.  

Consequently, we need to learn how to react in a more constructive and compassionate way so that we influence the others in a more positive way for healthy relationships.