The Virtues of Forgiveness
The one thing I can’t forgive…….”.
Everybody has something to complete this sentence. For most people, it is so difficult to forgive and therefore to forget. What is it that makes us hold a grudge against an offender? Why is it so difficult to let it go? Do we really need to forgive and forget? Furthermore, is it possible to forgive completely and forget what happened? In order to find reasonable answers to these questions, we need to understand what forgiveness is.
Indeed, forgiveness is an act of excusing and accepting somebody who hurt us physically or emotionally, by our own choice, through a process of alleviating the feelings of anger and resentment towards the offender. Thus, we see four aspects of this act of forgiveness;
1 - It is a Matter of Time
It is not easy to forgive and forget the hurtful event and the offender. We need to accept that it takes time and effort to let it go, depending on the severity of the offensive behaviour. It is a slowly growing practice and may need professional help.
2 - Willingness
Although it is not always easy to forgive and let go, we can develop skills to be willing to forgive and accept the offender’s behaviour. We choose to forgive the person or the event with our own free will. This means that such noble behaviour can’t be done for the sake of favour or with coercion.
3 - Alleviation of Negative Feelings
Negative feelings such as anger, resentment, guilt, or hatred towards the offender are natural and normal outcomes of a hurtful experience. In the process of forgiveness, we start to alleviate the negative feelings including that bitterness and the feeling of revenge, either with our own awareness or with the help of professional help. We may not forget or forgive in literal meaning but we are no longer under the effect of the event.
4 - Excusing and Accepting
When we are ready to forgive the offender, we have some sort of feelings to excuse and accept the event by considering the conditions. This does not mean that we accept and tolerate what had been done to us, but we just embrace the experience and move forward for a more meaningful life.
Practising forgiveness is mainly for our own wellbeing.
There are many reasons that show why we need to forgive and let go. First of all, holding a grudge and carrying that resentment and bitterness inside leads to depressive feelings because of rumination and the memory of the event. The same negative feelings also help us develop anxious thoughts, like the fear of having a similar experience in the future. Thus, we lose our hope and trust in ourselves and others. We, eventually, reflect that anger on other people that remind the offender by generalizing people. For example, a girl who was abused by a man may think that all men are dangerous and need to be avoided. Such a withdrawal may cause us to include other people in our ‘avoidance list’, and we may lose out on certain joys of life and develop low self-esteem.
Benefits of Forgiving
We realize that we have control of our own life by unhooking ourselves from the control of the offender through negative thoughts.
We recognize that the offender is a human being and there are underlying factors for the offensive event.
We get the opportunity to teach the offender love and respect which bring goodness.
We develop skills to respect and compassion for ourselves instead of blaming ourselves.
We remember our own mistakes and realize that we need to be forgiven, too.
While gaining all these benefits, we also need to remember that we don’t ignore or overlook what happened. We don’t reconcile with the offenders or encourage them to commit the action again. Furthermore, we don’t approve of the wrong behaviour.
How to Practice Forgiveness
Keeping a journal about our thoughts and feelings related to the event.
Ask forgiveness for the offender
Ask forgiveness for ourselves
Review our values and faith elements that teach forgiveness